Wednesday, September 25, 2013

so scared to love

Photo via: Emmanuel Rosario

I wake up and not having you text me “Good morning :)” stings. The fact that we’re in a time and place where there are far more important things to us than each other, unbelievably sucks but we both know it’s for the better… but why does it hurt so much even though I know there are more good things that come out of this? I wish I didn’t get to talk to you about a future together, I wish I didn’t say “I love you”. I wish I didn’t feel this way ever with you because it hurts to know that you felt the same way and we can’t be because of these circumstances. I’m going to be really jealous on who your next girlfriend is going to be because I want to be the one next to you. My mind’s just saying that you’ll find somebody new and my heart aches because the possibility of it being true is so high. This is why I don’t wanna love, why I’m so scared to love because there seems to be reasons why they don’t work and I just get exhausted from all the tears and frustration and only to build my confidence just to have it broken down. I wanna keep trying and trying, but I’m too tired. Sometimes, I just wanna know if I’m going to be alone or am I going to be with somebody? Because I’m tired, I’m so tired and...

"What hurts the most was being so close."

Sunday, September 22, 2013

how you look at it

Photo via: Tamar Burduli

You are together with someone for 5 years.
You love him, like you never have before. You can't imagine yourself being with someone else. He's your life. Forever and always.
But. You start to notice the flaws. The little ones.
He's not kissing you goodbye when going to the toilet. Even if he's gone for just a few minutes. He's not saying 'thank you' when you cooked him a delicious meal (again). Or when you're cleaning up after a BBQ for his friends. He's not paying attention when you talk about how your day was. He's there, but that's all.
He's just what you expect to be, nothing more.
So you crave. You want something else, something better. You want to be welcomed when you come back home after work, with a passionate kiss. You want him to show the world that he loves you. You want to know, in every kind of way, you are the one.
The one and only. Right?!
So then you meet someone new.
He seems perfect. He seems more you can ever think of. Dream of.
He fits right into your perfect image.
He walks you home. He takes you out for a walk. He's so interested in everything you're saying. He loves your meals. He turns the world around, just to be with you.
He's everything you want, even more.
So you break up with your boyfriend. To be with him.
To be with someone you deserve.
To be happier.
You'll never be happier.
In the end, everything is the same. It's just how you look at it.

Wednesday, September 18, 2013

do i go for it?

Photo via: Mary Robinson

You're ridiculously sweet. You're brave and compassionate. You stand up for what you believe in. You're willing to take it slow. To let me figure it all out. You say since the moment you saw me, you knew I was different, that this feeling was different than the past ones. You knew it was cheesy, you told me it was, but you said it anyways. I laughed. And smiled. And said I'm not sure how much yet, I've never been in a relationship before, but I do like you.

I meant it. Every word. I like you a lot because how could I not? We can talk for hours about anything--shallow and deep or just plain odd.

Except there's nothing there. Maybe it will come later--I'm new to this after all. Every relationship is different... but can't just not feel anything, and still like you, can I? Maybe I fall in slowly, even though you fall in love fast. Maybe we need time. Maybe I'll wake up one day or see you across the room and smile and realize you're the guy for me. Maybe.

But what if I don't? I'm not scared for myself. If this was all about me, I would go for it without any hesitation.

But what about you? You're already head over heels--and I'm not. I want to give it a shot; I do! But what if two months down the road, or six, or a year, I realize that I'm still in the same place, wanting so badly to fall only to realize I'm on flat ground with my feet firmly planted. What will that do to you? I'll have led you on from the start, wanting something to happen.

Do I go for it? Or do I make the break easier now?

Sunday, September 15, 2013

regret how it happened, but not that it did

Photo via: cassoday harder

It sometimes feels like you are not allowed to be happy, not if you did something wrong along the way. Like you have to be punished for whatever mistake you made. Which is troublesome if you don’t consider what you did a mistake. It may have been bad, yes. But if you were to call it a mistake it would mean you regret it. You may regret how it happened, but not that it did.


I have had the same part time job for the past four summers, sometimes even on shorter holidays around Easter and such. It’s not that it’s especially fun but it’s welcoming. My boss and my co-workers have been the same for all years and they’ve seen me grow from an alternative fourteen year old to my now 18 year old self.

Last year when I returned in the beginning of summer after school ending, I noticed I got a new co-worker. We were quickly introduced to each other since I was supposed to help him out. He was a few years older than me but the closest one in age. We were and are still a bit surprised over how quickly we became good friends. We clicked immediately and there was nothing I couldn’t talk to him about and he was very open to me as well. Even though we spent eight hours a day together at work, we kept talking afterwards by texting.

He had begun working a couple of weeks before me and therefore quit before me too. When summer was over and it was time for me to go back to my school, he moved away to another city to study at the university. We drifted apart due to the lack of time and distance. Still talked once in a while but not nearly as much or often as we used to and I started to see our friendship like a ”summer romance”, but you know, more like friends.

So, when he after four months of complete silence wrote to me, I got surprised. He lead off with a work-related picture we’ve laughed at a billion times and I thought it was nice to talk to him again but that we, as previously had, would drift after a week or so.

We didn’t, we haven’t. We talked, talk, constantly. Texts led to phone conversations and Skype. It seemed like we never ran out of things to say to each other.

I had found him interesting the first summer, and it was easy awoken when we began talking again. My problem was that I had a boyfriend. A boyfriend I, at the time, had been with for about one and a half year. Our relationship is a totally different story but the last six months in our relationship I wasn’t happy, and the last three I was miserable. He hurt me multiple times and betrayed my trust. It doesn’t justify what I did but it’s a part of why I did what I did.

So after talking constantly for about three weeks I went to see him. My closest friends says now, they knew what was going to happen and maybe I did too. But at the moment I just knew I really wanted to see him, that I have boyfriend and that I had promised myself many years before that I would never be a person who cheats. It’s not weird for me to hang out with other guys, so it wasn’t weird for me going there.

In hindsight, I can tell that I fell in love with him instantly. He was waiting for me to get off the train and I got a hug right away. And after hanging out with him for maybe just an hour or two I felt more appreciated than I ever had in my other relationship. I knew this guy liked me. He hadn’t said it yet but I noticed - and later during the evening he gave me a kiss on the cheek.

Since he lived a few hours away I stayed the night, and while watching a movie we began kissing. We both knew we were wrong but we couldn’t stop. The next day when it was time for me to go home, I began missing him as soon as I got on the train.

I knew what I had to do. When I wrote to my boyfriend he sensed something was up and wanted me to tell him right away and not wait until we could see each other. He wasn’t mad, he was heartbroken. And when I finally saw him my own sort-of mended heart broke once again. I knew I did something wrong. He wanted to ignore what had happened and keep on going, but I knew it wasn’t right. This guy was the sweetest, but he had broken my soul many months before and I couldn’t live with him like that anymore.

Now it sort of feels like I’m supposed to be guilty, ashamed and sad without love for a somewhat time to be punished for what I did. It feels like some people do not think I deserve this ”new” guy. Not yet. I know everything went by fast, but it worked for me and now I am happy, that should be all that counts. But I noticed that people aren’t as happy for me now just because I ended things badly with my boyfriend and moved on. It saddens me that some people judge relationships based on time, but I’m not holding back. I found the right guy for me. I don’t know if we will last forever, but I do hope so. I love him, he loves me and I want to be able to tell the world without people shooting me down without even knowing the whole story.

Wednesday, September 11, 2013

wait for you to catch up

Photo via: carles rodrigo

You started off as a fantasy because I never thought I could have you, and now that I have you I don't feel like you belong to me. you tell me you want to be with me but you say you don't have any feelings because she broke you to pieces. You ask me if I love you and you tell me you are willing to learn to love again with me. If you were to open up my heart and listen to it, this is what it would say....

I thought I had been in love before, but you make me question all that I once felt before simply because you have made me feel a love that is deeper and more intense. I think about you all day everyday, I don't know, is that how falling in love is like? I love this feeling that is in me but it takes me from laughter to tears in minutes because you don't feel the same way. I feel I could love you forever but is forever what you want? am I too blind to realize that you and I are a lost cause. How can we be when I have wanted you for so long without you ever knowing? Could fate be so cruel that it would cross our paths just to shatter my heart to pieces or could it be that I am your knight in shining armor?

I might be ok but I'm not happy at all because here we are again and all I really want to do is tell you how much I'm in love with you but I cannot because you won't say it back. I never knew it took this little time to fall in love with you, but having to wait for you to catch up is like living with little pieces of broken glass cutting through my heart every time we are together. I truly believe you are the one, my epic love but I guess not every fairy tale has a happy ending or do they? Only you can change that for me...

Sunday, September 8, 2013

you’ll never delete them from your heart

LE LOVE BLOG LOVE STORY LOVE PIC PHOTO IMAGE LOVE GIRL ALONE IN THE WOODS you can delete their numbers of your phone, you can delete them as friend from Facebook, but you’ll never delete them from your heart born before the wind by ephebic bears, on Flickr
Photo via: ephebic bears

Dear J,

I remember our first kind of contact like it all happened yesterday, it was September 2011. We were at our local football club that we both play for and you were outside, dancing and goofing around just like you always do. I couldn’t do anything but laugh at you, you were so damn funny with your stupid moves and crazy smile. I already knew you for seven years, but we never really got in touch before that day, you were always just a guy I used to see on the weekends with my cousin and your other friends. But suddenly there was this thing, like when you meet someone and you just know that they are going to be in your life, and you don’t really know why and if you want them to yet, but you kind of have no choice but letting them in, just because you know they’ve got something special about them that you have to figure out, you know? Well that was kind of the deal with you, I didn’t know what you were going to mean to me in the near-future but I really wanted to figure it out.

So I let you in, and in a very short period of time I realised that I had found someone who was going to mean the world to me, who I trusted like no one else. My best friend. We talked about everything, we had funny conversations about our friends or about stupid imaginations we always made up, and we had serious conversations, about our home situations, life, the fact that my boyfriend was all the way in South-Africa for 6 months. I really missed my boyfriend you know, but you helped me get through, you kind of did everything he would do for me, but still it was a total platonic relationship, and I enjoyed every second we spent together. You made me laugh, oh I don’t think you even know how much you made me laugh...

If I could only knew how much you could make me cry too back then.

And when my boyfriend came home in January, I couldn’t just put you aside, you became too damn important for me. I couldn’t just let this whole amazing friendship get taken away from me just because my boyfriend wasn’t really pleased with it. So a few months after my boyfriend's return it happened, our first kiss, we were walking alone in the dark, while our friends were walking ahead of us. I made a joke about the fact that you would never dare to kiss me, you were laughing at me and simply said: “watch me”, and you kissed me. And that was it, the end of life as I knew it. From that moment on I knew that you had to be the person I would spend the rest of my life with, and that I had been in love with you since that first moment we met and you did that stupid dance with your crazy smile.

But I denied it to myself and to everyone who was only a bit curious about you and me, because yeah, everybody saw what we had. Nobody could place it. But everybody saw it.

Still I didn’t want to admit it, because I knew this was the most wrong thing to do, and I loved my boyfriend right? I did right? I didn’t know anymore. The only thing I knew is that I wanted to be with you, even though we both agreed on the fact that the kiss was just a joke. It was all just one big joke and we didn’t have any feelings for each other at all. You were like my brother and I was like your sister, and that was at all it was. That should have been all it was.

But the days went by and I couldn’t get myself away from you, I knew our kiss wouldn’t be our last kiss, and you knew it too.

And so our second kiss happened after a week, and our third, and the fourth, and so on... Kisses and love, in combination with late night talks on benches besides the water.

You know what the worst thing was? I fell for you, I kissed you, I loved you, and I didn’t feel bad, I didn’t feel bad at all and the only thing I wished for was loving you for the rest of my life. So I broke up with my boyfriend, hoping we could become what I wanted us to become (even though at the time, I still didn’t realise what I wanted back then; a relationship). I agreed to become ‘friends with benefits’ with you. That was a good agreement for us both we thought, that would be fun, that would be awesome, because we didn’t have any feelings for each other and we couldn’t have a relationship anyway. You told me, “we are good for each other, but people won’t like the fact of us together, so it’s better this way right?” Right.

So that was our relationship for 3 months, 3 months of fun and laughter, 3 months of craziness and goofing around. And then I saw you in the bar with her, I saw you talking to her, but I didn’t really expect you to ever fall for her. Until 2 weeks later when you told me “I’m going on a date with the girl from the bar.”

And now we’re 2 years later since the day in September, and you’ve been dating her for 9 months now and I still can’t believe it. The day you told me that you were with her now, that you loved her and that you didn’t need me anymore. The day you told me that we were back to being “friends”. That was the day I had to admit to myself that I loved you, that I loved you more than anything else in this whole wide world. I still can’t believe that that day had to happen to me. We’re 2 years later now and I still love you. I love you to bits and I don’t know if I can ever love someone else that way ever. I just don’t think I can. We’re not even friends anymore now, you’re too scared to look at me when she’s around, you’re too scared to talk to me when she’s around. And the worst part? You are not the person you were anymore, you’ve become the person you always said you hated. The one stuck to his girlfriend, with no life beside her. You became the person you never wanted to be. The kind of person we used to laugh at.

And now, you’re not even wishing me a happy birthday anymore, you don’t even say hi when she’s around, and it took me all of my courage to invite you to my birthday and graduation party this summer, but you just didn’t show up. We agreed to have a talk about the way things were going now, and you didn’t show up. And that was the point where I knew I had to break all of the few contact I had with you. But you know what they say “you can delete their numbers of your phone, you can delete them as friend from Facebook, but you’ll never delete them from your heart.” And there’s nothing more true than that.

For me, you will always be that guy with the goofy dance and the crazy smile that I loved from the first moment on. I wish you the best, I really do. I love you and I hope you’ve found the love of your life and that you’ll be happy with her. And if you won’t, I’ll be here. Because I remember how we sat there, talking slowly and laughing, looking at the stars, when we were only just friends. You told me that nothing could ever break us, that I was one of the best things in your life so far. And I believed you. You told me “I’ll never leave you alone, and if you feel used or hurt, I’m there.” And I know you are still somehow there, you just don’t want to show it anymore.

I will always love you x L

Thursday, September 5, 2013

lost love

Photo via: Aëla Labbé

I don't have anything to share per se, but have just gotten out of a year-long relationship. He was my second love, and things ended not because of us, but because we want different things of the future (he wants to settle down in a few years; I want to travel the world), so being sensible we decided to end things now rather then drag them out when our relationship clearly had an expiration date.

It is difficult knowing that we do love each other and work well together, but love is just not enough in this case. It's only been a week since the break up, and I am finding some days a real struggle. I know that I am heartbroken.

However, he seems fine. He thinks he has pretty much moved on, is upset to some extent, but not enough to let it become a distraction in his life. I always thought he loved me more than I did in our relationship and he wanted to marry me and start a family together. I was also his first love. And yet he says he is not heartbroken...

I guess this has puzzled me a little and I am curious to see what others have to say about this:
If you truly love someone and they leave, is it possible not to be heartbroken?

Does lost love equate to heart-brokenness or can you love someone yet not be heartbroken about their absence?

Tuesday, September 3, 2013

after everything that has happened

Photo via: Theo Gosselin

Everyone has their story. So this is ours. At least, it’s the one we started, but haven’t had the chance to continue. Just yet.

I met you only eight months ago. Eight of the most exciting, passionate, almost unreal, yet awful, heartbreaking and painful months. And the worst part is, I know don’t how it’s all going to end.

We’re both from the same little country in Europe, but we happened to meet across the globe, in India. Only a week and a half of my three month- backpacking trip had passed when I saw you. I remember visiting an Indian temple exactly one week earlier, tying a string of red yarn to a holy building and being allowed to make just one wish. I wished, harder than I had ever wished before, that I would find love. Not just any love, but my love. A love that would be breathtaking and mind-blowing. No, more like mind- consuming. And then, I saw you. And I knew it was you.

It was on a random street in India. It was my girlfriend and I. We hadn’t seen any western people since we had arrived, and were dying to talk to someone, anyone, besides each other. So when I saw you two tourist guys walking past us, I convinced her that we should follow you. So we walked behind you for a bit, until you stopped at a hat- stand. And then I heard you speaking the same language as us. I got so surprised and excited that I just started talking to you straight away. We were all so happy to see each other.

We got together that night. We all got drunk on cheap Indian wine. Somehow, you and I started holding hands. And ended up kissing. Then, without objection, You and I became Us. We had seven days together. The most intense seven days of my life. We spent every second of those days together. Making conversation, making love. With nothing on our minds but the need to get closer and closer.

After those seven days we parted ways, still holding on to everything we talked about; marriage, children and a life together. Both of us went on travelling, yet talking everyday for the next three months. And constantly thinking about each other. I remember listening to cheesy music and looking out at the road, fantasizing about us together.

Then it was time for me to travel home. And so I did. And so did you, even if only for a month before you went back. During that month you came to visit me for a week. It was different this time, seeing each other. Something had shifted, but it was still Us, the Us that I loved. We left things open. You were going to travel back and I was going to start school. But there was still a chance for us, later on.

At least that’s what I thought. Up until the evening of the day you left after our week together. You called and I knew right away that something was wrong. You told me everything, everything that I didn’t want to know. The worst of things. You had spent a night with someone else just a few weeks earlier. I couldn’t breathe. I panicked. So I did what I do best, I put on a smile and said it was ok. But, it wasn’t. I had had my heart broken once before. But this was something different. This time it was as if my whole being was crushed. I had so much trust in you. I had given you so much of myself. All of myself. The fact that we had such short time together is ridiculous. But the things we talked about, and the way we felt is something that no one else will ever understand. And it doesn’t matter if we were or weren’t together. You knew it would hurt me, destroy me. Yet, you must have thought it was worth it. Even though you said it meant nothing, it was still worth it. She was worth it. In that moment, she was worth my pain. And that’s the part that I can’t get over.

So here we are five months later. You’re still there and I’m still here. I haven’t wanted to talk these last couple of months. But you’ve still reached out for contact, which I sometimes have responded to and other times not. You’re coming home in just about a month. And I'm so scared. I am scared of breaking down crying the minute I see you. I am scared of even making the decision of whether or not I want to see you at all. And I scared of the answer I will get from you. Because after everything that has happened I still want you. I want the rest of the story, I want the whole fucking book. I want Us, the Us that I fell in love with.

Sunday, September 1, 2013

when it comes to love

Photo via: Maria Dangelo

Life is really interesting the way it turns out. Especially in the transition from being a child to being an adult. You may escape reality for a while, but it catches you up and scares you from behind.
What seems like a brilliant love story always has its pain. Nothing turns out as it looks like. Even when anything else seems to be stupid to claim.

Life is not what you make it, because you have so little power over your own life.
Ironically enough, others form what you become. Others form where you are, and how you feel.
And, sadly enough, so many young people have such an amazing view of life - life is what I make it.
Truth is, you’ll have very little to say.

I don’t know if I will laugh at this when I get older, but I have discovered that when you see the best in people, you get blinded. You have to be ready to see the best AND worst in people. You can’t ignore the bad sides, the luggage or even the slightest signals.

Truth is, most of the time, it’s too late. We are so positive as people. We always want to hope for the best, give the best, try our hardest.
Especially when it comes to love.

Love just seems so lovely. Truly, even after all the awful stories you’ve heard from friends and relatives... even after countless warnings. After countless advise. You still give yourself to someone because you think this significant other is, somehow, different.

And so it goes. It seems like you have all you ever wanted. It seems like this is it - this is the life, this is the love - your dream has come true, everything is the way it is supposed to be.
But little by little, reality catches up with you, and before you know it, you are staring into the eyes of a wholly different person. It is almost frightening, how little you know, and what is even more frightening is that you thought you actually knew.

Because after all... this was nothing close to blind love. You know each other’s good and bad sides, you know the pretty and the ugly, you know the habits and you know the stories.
Yet reality, in it’s purest form, still hides behind that imperfect but, yet so cherished person.

Truth is, we think that our stories are different. That finally, it will make sense. Finally, someone understands and receives in the way that you have longed for. You give everything you have, even what you do not have.

But nothing about us is different. Just as real as everything else. Disappointment, tears, misunderstanding, grudge, regret, sadness.

Every person that comes into our lives shapes us, creates us. That is, we are a creation of other people. Now meeting another creation, of other people, can form a clash, which happens in every single story.

What do you, then, do with it, when there is no way back? When the tables are set and the dress is bought, and life is ahead?

There is no regret, but reality certainly does frighten.