Wednesday, September 25, 2013

so scared to love

Photo via: Emmanuel Rosario

I wake up and not having you text me “Good morning :)” stings. The fact that we’re in a time and place where there are far more important things to us than each other, unbelievably sucks but we both know it’s for the better… but why does it hurt so much even though I know there are more good things that come out of this? I wish I didn’t get to talk to you about a future together, I wish I didn’t say “I love you”. I wish I didn’t feel this way ever with you because it hurts to know that you felt the same way and we can’t be because of these circumstances. I’m going to be really jealous on who your next girlfriend is going to be because I want to be the one next to you. My mind’s just saying that you’ll find somebody new and my heart aches because the possibility of it being true is so high. This is why I don’t wanna love, why I’m so scared to love because there seems to be reasons why they don’t work and I just get exhausted from all the tears and frustration and only to build my confidence just to have it broken down. I wanna keep trying and trying, but I’m too tired. Sometimes, I just wanna know if I’m going to be alone or am I going to be with somebody? Because I’m tired, I’m so tired and...

"What hurts the most was being so close."

Sunday, September 22, 2013

how you look at it

Photo via: Tamar Burduli

You are together with someone for 5 years.
You love him, like you never have before. You can't imagine yourself being with someone else. He's your life. Forever and always.
But. You start to notice the flaws. The little ones.
He's not kissing you goodbye when going to the toilet. Even if he's gone for just a few minutes. He's not saying 'thank you' when you cooked him a delicious meal (again). Or when you're cleaning up after a BBQ for his friends. He's not paying attention when you talk about how your day was. He's there, but that's all.
He's just what you expect to be, nothing more.
So you crave. You want something else, something better. You want to be welcomed when you come back home after work, with a passionate kiss. You want him to show the world that he loves you. You want to know, in every kind of way, you are the one.
The one and only. Right?!
So then you meet someone new.
He seems perfect. He seems more you can ever think of. Dream of.
He fits right into your perfect image.
He walks you home. He takes you out for a walk. He's so interested in everything you're saying. He loves your meals. He turns the world around, just to be with you.
He's everything you want, even more.
So you break up with your boyfriend. To be with him.
To be with someone you deserve.
To be happier.
You'll never be happier.
In the end, everything is the same. It's just how you look at it.

Wednesday, September 18, 2013

do i go for it?

Photo via: Mary Robinson

You're ridiculously sweet. You're brave and compassionate. You stand up for what you believe in. You're willing to take it slow. To let me figure it all out. You say since the moment you saw me, you knew I was different, that this feeling was different than the past ones. You knew it was cheesy, you told me it was, but you said it anyways. I laughed. And smiled. And said I'm not sure how much yet, I've never been in a relationship before, but I do like you.

I meant it. Every word. I like you a lot because how could I not? We can talk for hours about anything--shallow and deep or just plain odd.

Except there's nothing there. Maybe it will come later--I'm new to this after all. Every relationship is different... but can't just not feel anything, and still like you, can I? Maybe I fall in slowly, even though you fall in love fast. Maybe we need time. Maybe I'll wake up one day or see you across the room and smile and realize you're the guy for me. Maybe.

But what if I don't? I'm not scared for myself. If this was all about me, I would go for it without any hesitation.

But what about you? You're already head over heels--and I'm not. I want to give it a shot; I do! But what if two months down the road, or six, or a year, I realize that I'm still in the same place, wanting so badly to fall only to realize I'm on flat ground with my feet firmly planted. What will that do to you? I'll have led you on from the start, wanting something to happen.

Do I go for it? Or do I make the break easier now?

Sunday, September 15, 2013

regret how it happened, but not that it did

Photo via: cassoday harder

It sometimes feels like you are not allowed to be happy, not if you did something wrong along the way. Like you have to be punished for whatever mistake you made. Which is troublesome if you don’t consider what you did a mistake. It may have been bad, yes. But if you were to call it a mistake it would mean you regret it. You may regret how it happened, but not that it did.


I have had the same part time job for the past four summers, sometimes even on shorter holidays around Easter and such. It’s not that it’s especially fun but it’s welcoming. My boss and my co-workers have been the same for all years and they’ve seen me grow from an alternative fourteen year old to my now 18 year old self.

Last year when I returned in the beginning of summer after school ending, I noticed I got a new co-worker. We were quickly introduced to each other since I was supposed to help him out. He was a few years older than me but the closest one in age. We were and are still a bit surprised over how quickly we became good friends. We clicked immediately and there was nothing I couldn’t talk to him about and he was very open to me as well. Even though we spent eight hours a day together at work, we kept talking afterwards by texting.

He had begun working a couple of weeks before me and therefore quit before me too. When summer was over and it was time for me to go back to my school, he moved away to another city to study at the university. We drifted apart due to the lack of time and distance. Still talked once in a while but not nearly as much or often as we used to and I started to see our friendship like a ”summer romance”, but you know, more like friends.

So, when he after four months of complete silence wrote to me, I got surprised. He lead off with a work-related picture we’ve laughed at a billion times and I thought it was nice to talk to him again but that we, as previously had, would drift after a week or so.

We didn’t, we haven’t. We talked, talk, constantly. Texts led to phone conversations and Skype. It seemed like we never ran out of things to say to each other.

I had found him interesting the first summer, and it was easy awoken when we began talking again. My problem was that I had a boyfriend. A boyfriend I, at the time, had been with for about one and a half year. Our relationship is a totally different story but the last six months in our relationship I wasn’t happy, and the last three I was miserable. He hurt me multiple times and betrayed my trust. It doesn’t justify what I did but it’s a part of why I did what I did.

So after talking constantly for about three weeks I went to see him. My closest friends says now, they knew what was going to happen and maybe I did too. But at the moment I just knew I really wanted to see him, that I have boyfriend and that I had promised myself many years before that I would never be a person who cheats. It’s not weird for me to hang out with other guys, so it wasn’t weird for me going there.

In hindsight, I can tell that I fell in love with him instantly. He was waiting for me to get off the train and I got a hug right away. And after hanging out with him for maybe just an hour or two I felt more appreciated than I ever had in my other relationship. I knew this guy liked me. He hadn’t said it yet but I noticed - and later during the evening he gave me a kiss on the cheek.

Since he lived a few hours away I stayed the night, and while watching a movie we began kissing. We both knew we were wrong but we couldn’t stop. The next day when it was time for me to go home, I began missing him as soon as I got on the train.

I knew what I had to do. When I wrote to my boyfriend he sensed something was up and wanted me to tell him right away and not wait until we could see each other. He wasn’t mad, he was heartbroken. And when I finally saw him my own sort-of mended heart broke once again. I knew I did something wrong. He wanted to ignore what had happened and keep on going, but I knew it wasn’t right. This guy was the sweetest, but he had broken my soul many months before and I couldn’t live with him like that anymore.

Now it sort of feels like I’m supposed to be guilty, ashamed and sad without love for a somewhat time to be punished for what I did. It feels like some people do not think I deserve this ”new” guy. Not yet. I know everything went by fast, but it worked for me and now I am happy, that should be all that counts. But I noticed that people aren’t as happy for me now just because I ended things badly with my boyfriend and moved on. It saddens me that some people judge relationships based on time, but I’m not holding back. I found the right guy for me. I don’t know if we will last forever, but I do hope so. I love him, he loves me and I want to be able to tell the world without people shooting me down without even knowing the whole story.